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Author Topic: Rock-fuck basic cooking tips  (Read 26407 times)
HyperGlavin
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« Reply #40 on: April 05, 2010, 01:19 am »

It also shrieks with an otherworldly horror whenever you cut into it.
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Mr Gale
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« Reply #41 on: April 05, 2010, 03:20 am »

Essentially food is just calories, thats the bit you need. Calories sounds a bit like calor, which is a type of gas I think, so if you arent in the mood for something solid try to consume some sort of gas.

I recommend neon.
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Remington Lonespear
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« Reply #42 on: April 05, 2010, 03:46 am »

Despite what your shipmates, room mates, older brothers, mean uncles, ski championship rivals, or abusive fathers say, you shouldn't eat farts.  They are not nutritious.
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« Reply #43 on: April 05, 2010, 12:29 pm »

When checking if a roast chicken is cooked right through, your penis does not make a good thermometer.
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Schroeder
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« Reply #44 on: April 05, 2010, 02:37 pm »

Cooked pasta will stick to the wall. The same principle applies to hamburger patties: throw them on the floor and see if they stick; if they slide off, they are underdone.
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Hypermanic_Zen
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« Reply #45 on: April 05, 2010, 05:26 pm »

Adding salt to boiling water is a good way to speed up the boiling process. An even better way is to do all your cooking with sea water.
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Purple Sombrero
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« Reply #46 on: April 05, 2010, 08:27 pm »

I don't think any of you guys actually know how to cook.
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Quagmar
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« Reply #47 on: April 05, 2010, 09:08 pm »

Reverse toasters are a handy gadget to have around in case you accidentally toast bread, but they are very expensive.  A cheaper option is to buy a second temperature dial for your oven and paint negative signs on all of the numbers.  Switching back and forth between the positive and negative dials will let you choose between baking and unbaking.
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« Reply #48 on: April 05, 2010, 09:17 pm »

Quagmar, that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.  To uncook food you have to reverse the polarity valve.  Everyone knows that.
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Schroeder
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« Reply #49 on: April 05, 2010, 09:29 pm »

COOKING WITH MICROWAVES

Microwaves cook food by passing waves of "energy" in two directions across an object, causing any water molecules to vibrate and create heat. To maximize your microwave's cooking ability, be sure to submerge anything you're cooking in at least one liter of water.

Microwaves also put off enough radiation to give your thoughts cancer. A safer, "greener" alternative is to place your uncooked food in between two radios and tune them to a heavy metal station.

Microwaves can get really messy on the inside. To avoid any unsightly splatter stains, place a bottle cap full of oven cleaner in the microwave while you cook. If the container you are using to boil your hot pocket takes up too much room, feel free to pour the cleaning agent into the water with it.
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Lukeington
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« Reply #50 on: April 05, 2010, 09:58 pm »

You can 'flash cook' food by stuffing it into an electrical outlet, or doing a bit of home electrician work with two strands of copper wire being shoved into the outlet. This is called an oven, which retail for hundreds of dollars. Save yourself some money by stealing the wire from a power plant, and building the oven yourself.
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Driscoll
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« Reply #51 on: April 05, 2010, 10:59 pm »

As you've probably heard, the human body is wired to crave three flavors. Those are Bread, Hot Sauce, Apples, Dirt, Macaroni, Flour, Dirt, and Air. Just blend those together and you have the perfect meal.
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Quagmar
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« Reply #52 on: April 05, 2010, 11:15 pm »

Save yourself some money by stealing the wire from a power plant, and building the oven yourself.

When building a home oven, the first step is to go out and buy an oven.  When you get home, simply throw away the oven and use the cardboard box it comes in to construct your homemade oven.
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Nedroid
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« Reply #53 on: April 05, 2010, 11:39 pm »

Here's a really great recipe for chicken pot pie:

Ingredients
1 pound skinless, boneless chicken breast halves - cubed
1 cup sliced carrots
1 cup frozen green peas
1/2 cup sliced celery
1/3 cup butter
1/3 cup chopped onion
1/3 cup all-purpose flour
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon black pepper
1/4 teaspoon celery seed
1 3/4 cups chicken broth
2/3 cup milk
2 (9 inch) unbaked pie crusts

Directions
Preheat oven to 425 degrees F (220 degrees C.)

In a saucepan, combine chicken, carrots, peas, and celery. Add water to cover and boil for 15 minutes. Remove from heat, drain and set aside.

In the saucepan over medium heat, cook onions in butter until soft and translucent. Stir in flour, salt, pepper, and celery seed. Slowly stir in chicken broth and milk. Simmer over medium-low heat until thick. Remove from heat and set aside.

Place the chicken mixture in bottom pie crust. Pour hot liquid mixture over. Cover with top crust, seal edges, and cut away excess dough. Make several small slits in the top to allow steam to escape.

Bake in the preheated oven for 30 to 35 minutes, or until pastry is golden brown and filling is bubbly. Cool for 10 minutes before serving.
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Schroeder
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« Reply #54 on: April 05, 2010, 11:42 pm »

If you're just going to make stuff up then I don't know what the purpose of this thread is.
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Jacob
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« Reply #55 on: April 06, 2010, 09:17 am »

1 pound skinless, boneless chicken breast halves - cubed

In my freezer, there are 8 cuboid tupperware boxes containing diced (into cubes) turkey bought in bulk.  Each one is defrosted and boiled, providing sufficient meat for 2 days. The Key is ORGANISATION.

I have a device that makes cuboids of vegetables, which I steam (in a CYLINDRICAL pot).  I then mix them with a mixture of lentils, brown rice, navy beans and kidney beans, along with peas a selection of pre mixed spices.  This is all roughly cylindrical or spherical. I store these in CUBOID tupperware in my fridge. I find this to be excellent for the bulk of food.

The reason this plan works is that the total investment of time and money is so low compared to the pay-off of healthy food and easy reheating later. 
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« Reply #56 on: April 06, 2010, 10:22 am »

That's a good plan, but I think you could enhance it by using low calorie (usually tomato based) sauces to make up the deliciousness on the day.
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Quagmar
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« Reply #57 on: April 06, 2010, 11:42 am »

Forcing cubed food to cook in a cylindrical pot is terrible technique.  You should cook cubed food in cube-shaped pans, while cylindrical food (penne pasta, burritos, jelly beans, etc.) gets cooked in cylindrical pans.
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Schroeder
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Where's the butter? Put butter on what I said!


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« Reply #58 on: April 06, 2010, 02:05 pm »

If you make grilled cheese sandwiches without daubing yellow or spicy mustard on the inside of the bread, you are a terrible person.
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Nicol• schroeder is to chess as gitro is to tribes
barco
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« Reply #59 on: April 07, 2010, 10:09 am »

1 pound skinless, boneless chicken breast halves - cubed

In my freezer, there are 8 cuboid tupperware boxes containing diced (into cubes) turkey bought in bulk.  Each one is defrosted and boiled, providing sufficient meat for 2 days. The Key is ORGANISATION.

I have a device that makes cuboids of vegetables, which I steam (in a CYLINDRICAL pot).  I then mix them with a mixture of lentils, brown rice, navy beans and kidney beans, along with peas a selection of pre mixed spices.  This is all roughly cylindrical or spherical. I store these in CUBOID tupperware in my fridge. I find this to be excellent for the bulk of food.

The reason this plan works is that the total investment of time and money is so low compared to the pay-off of healthy food and easy reheating later. 

Does anyone have the mp3 of this, or sleep apnea?
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