Rock-fuck basic cooking tips

[barco]

That style of cooking is 'from first principles'

[Karlski]

YOU WOULDN'T DOWNLOAD A CHEESEBURGER

FUCK YOU I WOULD IF I COULD

[fermun]

[HyperGlavin]

Remember, if the cling wrap hasn't melted into your food, then it needs to go back into the microwave.

[Schroeder]

If you are pressed for time, most meats don't necessarily have to be cooked. In culinary science, this is called the Hotdog Postulate. Without getting too technical, what it means is that the more different kinds of meat you combine into one dish, the less it actually has to be cooked. Be careful, though: if you add too many meats, the dish will be overdone and you will have to  start over.

[RummyLu]

Hot dogs are too advanced for the likes of me.

[Ripper]

If you don't want to look like an uncultured pleb at your next dinner party, it's wise to learn the difference between the various forms of cutlery, and their uses.



From left to right: Steak knife, tongue depressor, fish spoon, sonic screwdriver, Queen Victoria Jubilee spoon, The Gouger, Ol' Shanky, tea spoon, tea fork, speculum.

[adamsan]

A watched pot never boils. Always monitor your pot through a mirror to circumvent this problem.

[spaceboy]

If the pot has no reflection in the mirror, you are a vampire.

[Hungarian]

Be sure to identify the food you are about to cook prior to cooking it. I can't begin to count the number of times I thought I was about to toast some Eggo waffles only to discover they were actually 18th century French philosopher Jean-Jacques Rousseau.

A simple yet costly error.

[Fiction]

Food is often served on a plate or in a bowl after cooking it, as air is inefficient at best at supporting food's weight.

[RummyLu]

In reference to Ripper's advice from before - I like it!

"One for you mister piece of beef, and one for me. Another for you mister piece of beef, and another for me," ad infinitum and comatose on the kitchen floor.

[Quagmar]

Blenders are an essential tool for today's on-the-go lifestyle.  Blend that cheeseburger, fries, and soda into a delicious liquefied meal that is both convenient and portable.

[Driscoll]

Never eat anything bigger than your head. Never eat anything that is currently exploding. Never eat nails. Never eat hot pockets.

[Lukeington]

A whole Watermelon can sustain the average adult for upwards of two weeks.

This is due to it being composed of the liquid 'water' and the food 'melon.'

[Hungarian]

Salt and Mayonnaise have the same chemical properties and are thus interchangeable as ingredients.

[oball]

If your oven begins emitting the howling shrieks of eternally damned souls, you may have inadvertantly switched your cookbook with a grimoire of dark and forbidden magicks.

[Ripper]

In reference to Ripper's advice from before - I like it!

"One for you mister piece of beef, and one for me. Another for you mister piece of beef, and another for me," ad infinitum and comatose on the kitchen floor.

Yeah, basically you just keep marinating yourself and eventually you don't care about the beef anymore.

[Navigator2001Plus]

Don't hit up the drive through like thirty minutes before they close; you'll just get the crap that's been kept warm under a lamp for the past hour.

[Quagmar]

The best-tasting beef in the world comes from the MEC Ranch in Texas.  They allow the herd to consume each other, eventually leaving a single steer whose meat is 100 times beefier than the average cow.