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Author Topic: Rock-fuck basic cooking tips  (Read 10116 times)
Karlski
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« on: April 02, 2010, 08:52 am »

So, I cocked up and deleted the old thread. Where were we?

Oh yeah. Stressbunny, you don't understand what the word basic means.
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« Reply #1 on: April 02, 2010, 09:40 am »

TIP: Apply heat to your food in some manner; this will "cook" it and will result in the food being "cooked."
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oball
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« Reply #2 on: April 02, 2010, 09:52 am »

Food should be eaten using your mouth, and not your ears, nose, or bellybutton.
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« Reply #3 on: April 02, 2010, 10:39 am »

Do not attempt to use FOOD at extreme temperatures, or while operating heavy machinery. Do not staple or fold FOOD.
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« Reply #4 on: April 02, 2010, 10:51 am »

To use your oven, turn the knob on the front until heat starts coming out.  No, that's too far; get out of the house immediately, you are doomed.
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Schroeder
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« Reply #5 on: April 02, 2010, 11:49 am »

Fish should never be allowed to sit more than five days outside of the refrigerator. If it has been, or if you're not sure, you can easily remedy this by cooking it for 30 minutes at a temperature NO HIGHER than 500 degrees fahrenheit to destroy any lingering bacteria.
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« Reply #6 on: April 02, 2010, 11:56 am »

A lot of times when cooking, the recipe calls for stirring. This is a gentle (or sometimes vigorous) circular motion made with the hand. It is easier when done with a utensil designed for the purpose, such as a long-handled spoon or other special implement.

If you are unsure which utensil suits your stirring needs, there is no hope and you must dust off and nuke the site from orbit.

It's the only way to be sure.
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« Reply #7 on: April 02, 2010, 12:14 pm »

Food supplies nutrients to one's body, but it is tainted by the Devil and he must be destroyed at all costs. Therefore you must always boil food in holy water before consuming, or else the Devil parts will get all chewy.
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« Reply #8 on: April 02, 2010, 12:15 pm »

don't eat rocks
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fermun
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« Reply #9 on: April 02, 2010, 12:50 pm »

You can cook food half as long at twice the temperature if you are pressed for time.

Hot sauce can act as a substitute for cooking, take off 2 minutes for every shake of hot sauce you put on your food.
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« Reply #10 on: April 02, 2010, 01:15 pm »

If you don't have an oven, most refrigerators have a secret "hot" setting that can do the job.
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Purple Sombrero
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« Reply #11 on: April 02, 2010, 01:32 pm »

Walk in to McDonald's and order a Big Mac*. Then eat it.

Hunger solved.

*Walk up to the cash register and say, "I would like one Big Mac, please."
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« Reply #12 on: April 02, 2010, 02:12 pm »

You guys are all invited to my next dinner party.
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« Reply #13 on: April 02, 2010, 02:35 pm »

Don't download or "pirate" food. You might think it is "cool", but its bad for the culinary industry. Your favourite chef might stop making food!
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« Reply #14 on: April 02, 2010, 02:42 pm »

YOU WOULDN'T DOWNLOAD A CHEESEBURGER
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« Reply #15 on: April 02, 2010, 03:01 pm »

If you eat food, you are literally stealing Adblockers from my table
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« Reply #16 on: April 02, 2010, 03:13 pm »

Here's a money saving tip: a pizza usually costs around ten dollars, while extra toppings cost around a dollar each.  Instead of ordering two pizzas, order one pizza with an extra topping: another pizza.  You just saved nine dollars.  This is legal and pizzerias are unable to refuse it.
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« Reply #17 on: April 02, 2010, 03:23 pm »

If you soak your beans overnight, they'll cook in half the time.  If you soak them for two nights, they'll cook in a quarter of the time.  Soak your beans for several weeks, and they will cook almost instantly as soon as heat is applied.
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barco
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« Reply #18 on: April 02, 2010, 03:55 pm »

Body heat is enough to fully cook most breakfast foods. Cradle a rasher of bacon in your hand for a few minutes for a tasty (although messy) breakfast treat.
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« Reply #19 on: April 02, 2010, 03:57 pm »

Milk is a really great cooking tool, especially because literally anything can be made from it.

Ice cream? Comes from milk.

Yogurt? That too.

Butter? Also that.

I think you get my point. Basically what I'm saying is if you stir milk hard enough you can make cereal and stuff.
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